


Elementary, My Dear Bucky

by TaleasOldasTimeandSpace



Series: Balrog 'Verse Asteroid Belt [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Big Brother Steve, Crack, Fluff, Gen, Poor Bucky has nooo idea what he's getting into, Sherlock AU, annoying big brother Steve, now featuring: Darcy with even more snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-27 07:45:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12076653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace/pseuds/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace
Summary: Darcy is a strong, independent woman who don't need no man.  She does, however, need a roommate.





	Elementary, My Dear Bucky

When Bucky arrived at the precinct, Steve wasn’t there, despite the fact that he has come at Steve’s request.  Steve’s desk, however, was far from empty.  In fact, in Bucky’s considered opinion, the desk’s current occupant was a marked improvement over the punk that usually sat there.  A girl with long brown hair sat sideways in Steve’s chair, her legs dangling over the armrest as she concentrated on her phone.  She glanced up as he approached, idly at first, but her disinterested gaze sharpened as she looked him up and down.  Her eyes seemed to catch briefly on his arm before flicking back up to his face.  ‘Iraq or Afghanistan?’ she asked, in the same tone of voice that someone—anyone—else would use to inquire it was still raining outside.

He blinked.  ‘Excuse me?’

‘Where did you fight, Iraq or Afghanistan?’

‘How did you…’

She swung her legs to the floor and braced her elbows in Steve's desk, though she didn't put away her phone.  ‘The way you carry yourself indicates military training, as does the fact that you've positioned yourself so that no one can come up behind you.  And while your attention is on me, I'm willing to bet you're aware of everyone else in the room, and probably the exits, too.  Finally, your hand is one of the latest Stark Arms, from his Wounded Warrior line.  Based on all that, plus the fact that you're here to see Steve, I'm going to say Afghanistan.’  She leaned back, crossing her arms over chest and raising an eyebrow.  ‘How’d I do?’

Bucky’s mouth worked soundlessly for a minute.  ‘Not, uh, not bad.’  He shook his head.  ‘How did you get Afghanistan from all that?’

She waved airily.  ‘Deductive reasoning.  It’s not hard.  Especially since Steve has a big mouth and talks about his best friend who followed his bull-headed carcass to Afghanistan and saved his life more times than he cares to admit.’  Holding out a hand, she added, ‘Sgt. Barnes, I presume?’

He folded her hand in his own.  ‘Somehow I get the feeling that you don’t presume all that much.’

‘Depends who you ask.  Sitwell would tell you I presume _too_ much.’

‘Would Sitwell tell me your name, too?’

‘Probably best not to risk it.  The name’s Darcy Lewis.’  She cocked her head, studying him again.  ‘You’re cute, I’ll give you that much, but you can tell our mutual pain-in-the-neck that I’m looking for a roommate, not a babysitter.’

‘Sorry, what?’

Her attention shifted to something over his shoulder, and her eyes narrowed.  ‘Y’know what, never mind.  I’ll tell him myself.’

He watched her march across the precinct to a set of tall filing cabinets.  Reaching behind them, she hauled Steve forward.  Bucky hadn’t even realized he was there.  Grabbing a double fistful of his shirt, she pulled Steve down until they were nose-to-nose.  ‘Steve, you dweeb!  How many times do I have to tell you I can take care of myself before you get it through your improbably thick skull and into your walnut-sized brain?’  She let him go, and he took a large step away from her.  ‘Unlike you, I have a shred of common sense in my body.’

‘Darcy, sweetheart, you’re _exactly_ like me.  That’s why you need him.’

She leaned back, a theatrical hand clasped to her chest.   _‘Rude.’_

‘Besides, you’ll get lonely with just Balrog to bounce ideas off of.  You know you need someone who will argue back.’

‘Nope, changed my mind.  I’ll just go solo.  All that space, all to myself.  It’s a party!’

Steve rolled his eyes.  ‘You’ve been complaining about rent since Jane moved out.  You _need_ a roommate, and Bucky needs a place to stay.  He can’t sleep on my couch forever.’

She crossed her arms, pouting.  ‘Curse the fact that being a consulting detective doesn’t pay that much more than being Jane’s Science!gremlin.  I blame you for this.  If you would give me more cases, I wouldn’t _have_ a rent problem.’

‘What happened to “Steve, I don’t want to do your job for you, it could be nothing anyway, I just happened to notice—”’

‘I decided to own my gifts, the way you keep telling me to.  If I _am_ going to help out, I might as well get paid for it!’

‘Just like you might as well take advantage of landing the perfect roommate when you have the opportunity.’  She made a growling noise Bucky could hear from across the precinct, and Steve grinned.  ‘C’mon, Darce, he’s quiet.  You’ll hardly even know he’s there.’

‘Steve.  Stevie.  Light of my life.  Bane of my existence.  Have you met me?  Of _course_ I’ll know he’s there!’

‘Darcy.’

‘Ugh, fine.’  She executed a rather neat about-face and marched back towards Bucky, Steve trailing behind her like an oversized Golden Retriever.  One that looked far too entertained by watching Darcy bear down on Bucky.

Bucky wondered if it was too late to beat a tactical retreat.

She was still several yards away when she started talking.  ‘I’m crazy observant, have a photographic memory, a defective brain-to-mouth filter, a territorial Malamute—’

 _‘Wolf,’_ coughed Steve.

Darcy shot him a poisonous look.   _‘Malamute_ named Balrog, lousy eating habits, a non-existent exercise routine, and a tendency to stress-bake during particularly gnarly cases.  My best friend is a mad scientist who married a Viking puppy improbably disguised as a medical examiner.  And I play the bagpipes at all hours.’

Bucky couldn’t help it.  He laughed at that last one.  Darcy raised her chin and narrowed her eyes.  ‘Piobaireachd helps me think,’ she said flatly.  He couldn’t tell if she was serious or not.

‘Oookay?’

‘Come have a look at the place if you want.  The address is 221B Baker Street.  Be there or be square.’  She shot him finger guns as she stalked to the door.  ‘It’s been real, but if you’ll excuse me, Thor promised I could have a look at the latest body, and Jane doesn’t like it if I make him work overtime.  Namarie, losers!’  She straight-armed the doors opened and disappeared through them, her black and pink scarf fluttering behind her.

Steve shook his head.  ‘That girl watches way too much TV.’  He glanced at Bucky, who was still staring at the doors.  ‘Buck?  You okay?’

‘What was that?’  He was only vaguely aware of Steve slinging an arm over his shoulders.

‘That was Darcy.’

‘Wow.’

‘Yeah.’

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who has a ton of prompt that she needs to work through and is ignoring them in favour of starting YET ANOTHER SERIES. *shakes head* 
> 
> But this idea has been bugging me since I got a five headcanons ask on tumblr about a Wintershock Sherlock AU, and I had to get it out of my system. I think it'll work as a oneshot series instead of a multi chap, so there's that.
> 
> I'm thinking Loki for Moriarty, if I make it that far. Thoughts?
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr!](https://taleasoldastime-andspace.tumblr.com/)


End file.
